A constant battle

We cannot go through life without making decisions. And we make some without thinking, we make some based purely on emotion, and we make others with the best information that we have at the time. And those decisions are made and acted on and start a chain of events and they can’t be undone. We can’t undo what we’ve done in the past, much as we’d like.

I made decisions to live my life, not just simply let it happen around me. I made decisions to make goals and to achieve things and to aim for a life that looks for joy and happiness. I like my job, I like my field, I love all of the options it gives me. I love my home and my boyfriend and the small zoo of animals that create the family I’ve chosen, and I have wonderful friends and family and his family has sucked me in so now I have two. And it’s wonderful. And I worked so hard at it.

But to get here I made decisions that can’t be undone. And now there are things that I’d like to do but can’t. At least right now. And by the time I can, it may be too late. So I’m in this battle in my mind, to know that I made the best decisions I could and they can’t be undone, and to know that those decisions have created a situation that is not what I’d hoped for. And in this space I have to remember that I am happy with the decisions I made and the life I’ve created and everything that is in it, even if it means I am still deeply disappointed in some aspects of it. Disappointment is hard, but it isn’t a deal breaker.

Life is funny and hard and bizarre and things can change. I haven’t lost hope. And I’m still fighting that battle.


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