Day 20

How are you all holding up? I haven’t been getting here to post every day, but some days just don’t work. Yesterday didn’t work from top to bottom.

I went to check on a prescription refill I’d put in last week, and found out that my insurance company has to pre-approve an increase from 20mg to 30mg. Of my antidepressant that also treats anxiety. AND then I found out that if the deny it, I’ll be trying a brand new antidepressant. This feels like the worst time in the world to try a new one. When I’m home, all the time, with death tolls creeping up every day. It could only be worse if I had COVID-19 on top of it. So that’s how my day started.

Then later in the afternoon an doctor’s appointment scheduled for next week was canceled. I know. It makes 100% perfect and total sense. On a logical level, I get it. But this was the first appointment with a rheumatologist. I’m 90 years old inside. My joints and ligaments are breaking down at a rate too fast for my mostly healthy 37 year old body. I was pinning some hope on this appointment being the beginning of finding out what’s really wrong with me. I’ve already waited three months for this. And now it’s on hold, indefinitely. All of this was happening of course, as I was trying to work, too.

I feel crushing disappointment and a profound loss of hope. Objectively, there are people who are homeless right now, without food, sheltering in place or quarantining with abusive partners or family members. People are sick and dying at a rate I cannot comprehend. And I’m just sad about a missed appointment. But we have to be allowed to feel this loss, and we are.

We are allowed to feel all the things. Our homes are not meant to be lived in 24/7. Our families are not meant to spend this much consecutive time together. We are not meant to spent this much time alone. We are not meant to work from home under such insane instability. We are not meant to lose our jobs because EVERYTHING is closed. We are not meant to lose our loved ones without being able to say goodbye. We are not meant to die alone.

I am currently eating chocolate chips from the bag. If this is what I’m binge eating/emotionally eating, I’m doing okay, despite all the feels. Many things will be different when we come out of this. And many things will be the same. But we will come out of this. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.

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