How do you carry your pain
All of the slights, jabs, cuts, bruises, broken tissue and bones?
Is it the weight on your shoulders that pulls you forward
Or the drop of your head?
A hesitance to make eye contact.
A resistance to any kindness, a suspicion of all?
Or do you wear it proudly
Bearing it all to show the world you cannot be stopped, cannot be shamed.
I slide my pain into an extra pocket on my heart
Keeping it close so I can pull it out and examine it like the frogs we dissected in school.
Are you there
Do you still hurt?
Is it less or more now that time has passed?
It’s probably the same.
Your edges have begun to fray, an old wound I cannot bury or let fly.
So back you go, nestled close and safe until the next time.
This past weekend was bitterly cold. Like below zero before the windchill could be factored in, and while we had power and a full tank of oil, the house got cold. By Sunday I decided the only thing to do was turn on the oven and bake.
I found a recipe from Food52 for Cinnamon Scone Bread, pulled out my pastry cutter and the marble rolling board that had been sitting in the cabinet for over a year. And it felt so good to read the recipe, find the ingredients, and break out some pastry skills. I hadn’t cut butter into flour in ages and finding the delicate line where flour and egg and milk just turn to dough, and then working it gently on the board was exactly what I needed.
It felt a little like coming home. And in a sense, it was a homecoming. The marble board was a gift from my Mom, and the Thanksgiving pies were rolled out on it for as long as I can remember, until it came to live with me. She and my sister were almost there with me, laughing and joking and reading the recipe wrong. When I was done, the house was warmer, the scent was heavenly, and it also happened to be Valentine’s Day. It turned out to be “one of the best things you’ve ever baked,” according to my Valentine.
Warm bread, warm home, warm heart.
In early September I had hip surgery to fix some torn cartilage and clean up some bone spurs. It was rough. The recovery was long and the physical therapy is still happening. But in early January I got permission to start working out again, and to start practicing yoga so long as I was EXTREMELY careful with all of it. My internal mantra was “don’t be an asshole, don’t be an asshole, don’t push so hard you undo everything you just did.”
So I waited until February before joining an Instagram yoga challenge of a pose a day. I chose one with minimal deep bending and twisting, and was really really excited. At the end of the month, the goal was a back bend, but to drop back into it from standing. I did a pose a day, for a whole three days, before I got a ridiculous head cold flu deathlike thing, and was unable to work out, do PT, practice yoga and generally be human for a solid week. So now it’s back to basic PT, and then a little cardio, and then back to yoga. Everything in a progression so I don’t fuck myself up. Because I am not doing that whole hip surgery thing again.
I’ll try again in March.
In my yoga practice today (and every practice that I can remember), we were asked to set our intentions while in Warrior Two, a pose of strength and power. I’ve listened and set half-hearted intentions before, but right now, at this point in my life, I’m going to set bigger intentions. So, here they are.
I intend to be kind and patient with myself and others.
I intend to recognize and let go of envy.
I intend to feel sorrow and let it go.
I intend to move forward.
We cannot go through life without making decisions. And we make some without thinking, we make some based purely on emotion, and we make others with the best information that we have at the time. And those decisions are made and acted on and start a chain of events and they can’t be undone. We can’t undo what we’ve done in the past, much as we’d like.
I made decisions to live my life, not just simply let it happen around me. I made decisions to make goals and to achieve things and to aim for a life that looks for joy and happiness. I like my job, I like my field, I love all of the options it gives me. I love my home and my boyfriend and the small zoo of animals that create the family I’ve chosen, and I have wonderful friends and family and his family has sucked me in so now I have two. And it’s wonderful. And I worked so hard at it.
But to get here I made decisions that can’t be undone. And now there are things that I’d like to do but can’t. At least right now. And by the time I can, it may be too late. So I’m in this battle in my mind, to know that I made the best decisions I could and they can’t be undone, and to know that those decisions have created a situation that is not what I’d hoped for. And in this space I have to remember that I am happy with the decisions I made and the life I’ve created and everything that is in it, even if it means I am still deeply disappointed in some aspects of it. Disappointment is hard, but it isn’t a deal breaker.
Life is funny and hard and bizarre and things can change. I haven’t lost hope. And I’m still fighting that battle.
I’m on the board of a small library whose mission is to preserve and excite the literary passions of our community. It’s a pretty kick-ass little library, and it runs on the dedication of a part time librarian, an even more part time communications person, a board, and a slew of volunteers. The things we are able to accomplish together are pretty amazing. And while it can be SO MUCH WORK, it is so very worth it, even when I’m complaining and grumbling about it.
After a meeting the other night I was chatting with another board member about our writing program, and mentioned that her co-chair on the writers committee was one of my professors in college. And it all came tumbling out that I had been a professional writing major as an undergrad, and had learned from four or five of the writers she works with today. And this board member, co-chair of the writers committee, also happens to be a New York Times best selling author. We had begun our conversation talking about a potential author speaking at an event over the summer, but finished the conversation with her bright eyes blazing into mine and saying “And you? What of your writing?” And she is so kind and lovely and well meaning, and I explained that I’d turned into a librarian and reader and supporter of writing and authors and lover of all things literary, but hadn’t thought about writing in ages. I mean, I have a bright orange poster of the Dewey Decimal system hanging in my office.
But her words got under my skin, so here I am. I’m going to start here, and I’ll see what happens. Because maybe I don’t want to be a writer with a capital ‘W’. But I used to write. And I used to love it. So maybe this next version of me is a librarian, reader, supporter of writers and authors, lover of all thing literary, who sometimes writes. And maybe once in a while it’ll actually be good. And maybe then I can turn to this board member after a meeting and say “Hey, I’ve got something to share with you.”
There is a cabin
Hillside winding river to open blue sky lake
Creaking pine amber waters damp moss wood smoke
Worn down by love and family and generations
Children now adults and their children, soon adults
Tilting into the mountainside undeterred by working summers
New screens, jack the foundation
Tin roof rain songs at night
But before the cabin, the bridge
Before the cramped car ride ends
Let me out to cross the footbridge
Spanning the river slicing town in two
I’ll walk the rest of the way please
White paint taught silver cables old smooth wood
Step lightly breathe deeply hear the river below
Lean over the rail watch the river flotsam and foam
Think Poohsticks and feel the sway of suspension, the long drive slides away
All of the years, all the of songs and bike rides, flat tires, skinned knees
Glorious slivers of bridge just under the skin, sunburned shoulders and dirty feet
Canoe under, look up, marvel at the magic
All of the bridge’s time in one flash
These are the thoughts in the depths of winter and long school days
The bridge, the cabin, the sweetest days
Across the highways, up the mountains, around the lakes and
Over the bridge